39 Clues
Sep 22nd 2010 - Written by: John Webb
Q: What do these three have to do with one another: 1) research 2) undergraduate education and 3) sports entertainment?
A: Very little, but they are the unlikely trinity of higher education.
Q: How many tackles did Brandon Maye and Corico Hawkins combine for in the Auburn game?
A: 3.
Q: What did University of Chicago President Robert Hutchins have to say about sports?
A: Whenever I get the urge to exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes away.
Q: Did he put his money where his mouth was?
A: Yes, the University of Chicago withdrew from the Big 10 and cancelled its football program. Years later it began competing again in Division III.
Q: Does the University of Chicago have a stupid mascot?
A: Yes, they are the Maroons, which I think might be a bastardization of morons.
Q: In the past year what is more prevalent with FBS athletes: 1) use of recreational drugs 2) use of performance enhancing drugs or 3) benefiting from academic fraud?
A: I’d guess 2, 3, 1.
Q: In the past year what is more prevalent with UNC football players?
A: I’d guess 3, 1, 2.
Q: Would ACC Commissioner John Swofford ever lobby the conference to give UNC an additional year of probation to what the NCAA mandates as he did during Clemson’s probation in the early 80’s?
A: No, I feel he will lack the intellectual integrity to see his own inconsistencies and biases. And there’s no justice in the world (note God giving both Wake Forest fans an ACC football championship.)
Q: With attendance and giving down, are we undergoing a needed paradigm shift in college and professional sports where we return to our senses?
A: Yes.
Q: How will this affect Clemson?
A: If we can remain true when all those losers are returning to their senses, then we will own Saturdays in our conference.
Q: Am I saying that it may be possible for Duke to have fewer football fans as a result of a paradigm shift? Is this numerically feasible?
A: I’d like to see if they can push the envelope of disinterest.
Q: When do you know if a football team is either really good or really bad?
A: Around the third week of October.
Q: Ultimately, is it consequential that C.J. Spiller was not invited to the Heisman ceremony in New York?
A: No. There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow – Ecclesiastes 1:11.
Q: What is the difference between the SEC and ACC? Speed? Recruiting?
A: Elite coaching.
Q: Can the ACC equal the results of the SEC?
A: Yes, but we won’t. Only three and a half schools will commit to big boy college football in the long term. A fourth school has a “decided geographic advantage” (hats off to Charlie Weis) with respect to recruiting. Q: Why have the Steelers won so much? A: Leadership in the front office.
Q: Why has Clemson not won an ACC championship in two decades?
A: Lack of leadership in the athletic department.
Q: Traditionally, what is the lone harbinger of change in Clemson’s athletic department?
A: Fear of IPTAY donations drying up.
Q: Was the Dabo Swinney hire a good one?
A: Yes.
Q: Who gets credit?
A: Success has a thousand fathers; failure is an orphan.
Q: Does it strike fear in our opponents when we wear purple?
A: Only if they are afraid of the Furman Paladins.
Q: Who is the most thoughtful analyst on ESPN?
A: Trevor Matich, and it’s not even close.
Q: How many Nobel Laureates hail from University of Chicago?
A: 32 (That’s enough to field a football team!)
Q: How many Nobel Laureates hail from my high school?
A: One right now, but just give me time.
Q: How many coaches will Clemson lose from our staff at the end of this year?
A: 2.
Q: What are the odds that John Chavis (LSU Defensive Coordinator) will be Clemson’s DC in 2011?
A: 30%.
Q: If you went back to your car during halftime of the Presbyterian game, how long would it take you to walk to the bus stop, wait for the bus, and ride the bus to Y beach?
A: One hour.
Q: What if your 5 year old had to go to the bathroom during this time?
A: He could have gone behind a parked car like mine did.
Q: Do the Miami players know anything about Clemson and the kind of weapons we have?
A: Miami is not sure that any of the United States really exists beyond the Daytona area. Most Miami players have seen other states only in pictures; therefore Clemson and our players are like Neverland and the Lost Boys.
Q: Why does Marcus Lattimore get Heisman talk when he averages 4.9 yards per carry against Georgia, but Andre Ellington gets zero attention when he averages 6.4 yards per carry against Auburn?
A: Good question. I don’t know.
Q: Would I want my son to carry the ball 37 times like Gamecock running back Marcus Lattimore did against Georgia?
A: Not if he had any designs on going pro one day.
Q: Is South Carolina the best team in the SEC East?
A: Yes.
Q: Who will win the ACC Atlantic?
A: Florida State because they get Clemson at home (though BC does have a favorable schedule.)
Q: How do you win a Nobel Prize for Literature?
A: Write about the plight of some disenfranchised group. The Nobel Committee is very big on plights.
Q: In today’s environment, how long would Frank Howard last?
A: He never would have been around long enough to promote his rock from doorstop to tradition.
Q: Where did I see Frank Howard and Danny Ford every Sunday?
A: In the buffet line at the Holiday Inn with my grandparents.
Q: What was my plan to get discovered by Danny Ford?
A: My brother and I went across the street from our grandparents’ house and threw the football in his yard.
Q: Did it work?
A: Not so well.
Q: What Clemson football tradition from my childhood do I miss the most?
A: Men dressing in their best orange blazer to go to the game.
Please send fawning emails to sectionHrowJ@gmail.com.
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