July 30th 2008 - Written by: John Webb
TigerNation has invited the wisest man we know, Ole Gussie, to come give us counsel about the Seat Equity Plan. He has eavesdropped on the internet, Sunday morning church hallways, and Bi-Lo checkout lines to gather your comments. He will be giving unsolicited advice -- parents of adult children, isn’t that the best kind? – so that your healing from this painful process may begin. Names have been changed to protect the victims.
Dear Gussie,
Why did I ante up to become a $2100 donor? I am in the same seats as I was last year, but with less money in my pocket. Why?
--Disillusioned Donor
Oh, Disillusioned, I hear the cry of your soul. And I understand your question: WHY? Come, meet me in lot 10 on September 6 and we will gather together, drink Glenfiddich, read beat poetry, listen to Johnny Cash, and ask the existential question – WHY? Until then, read preseason magazines. The happy amongst us do that as well.
Dear Gussie,
Obviously the ticket office got in over their heads. It was too complex, and I doubt that they even read the preferences in the applications. Equity my ***.
--Cursing Tiger
Cursing Tiger, you my have a point, but can you blame them? The last time that I moved, the first box we packed was labeled Paperback Books – Fiction, Authors A thru M. Starting with the 50th box we started labeling them either stuff or… breakable stuff – it had gotten to be too overwhelming and we had run out of time. CUAD had to deal with points, donation levels, minimum seat giving, parking, and preferences (where some people listed dozens of priorities.) Mind you, there are 58,000 season tickets. They have a couple of months to finish this job. At what point do they lose all hope of making everyone happy? They’ll never tell, but there was probably a lunch at Ruby Tuesday in Clemson around the first of June when Bill D’Andrea and Travis Furbee shared a good laugh. We’ll call it gallows humor -- when they realized that they had lost only 1.5% of IPTAY members during a recession, and they had projected to lose three times that amount during good economic times! I am sure that it was impossible to please everyone, so they made sure the big donors were taken care of, and turned a blind eye to quibbling requests of orange donors. They had to. They had been bitten in the behind by a fan base more rabid than any consultant’s projection.
Dear Gussie,
I just graduated from Clemson so this is my first year getting tickets on my own. I am really stressed out where my tickets are going to be with this Seat Equity Plan.
--Graduated Tiger
Graduated Tiger, go with all deliberate speed and find the Clemson girl with orange ribbons in her hair who once stirred all our hearts, marry her, and have lots of children. Listen to her; she can save you a world of heartache during your years together. Please don’t find out too late that there is more to life than Seat Equity Plans.
Dear Gussie,
“Naturally, the ambiguity of it is there are a lot of donors who stepped up to either keep their seats or ensure better parking, and with that comes expectations. We're hoping that people understand that we didn't do a reseating, and we think we did the right thing. There wasn't as much opportunity to accommodate people as we anticipated.”
--Bill D’Andrea, Senior Associate Athletics Director
Bill, I have the utmost respect for what you do. The good people at Clemson University Athletic Department have taken a task upon themselves that I can not fathom. You have attempted to award 58,000 seats with a view towards fairness, economic prosperity, and the overall happiness of fans. You have succeeded to a greater extent than I ever could. Having said that, you must do one last thing – run! Whatever you hold in your hands right now, drop it, and get out the door. Bobby Bowden says that he was hung in effigy while coaching at West Virginia (I assume that Effigy is a suburb of Morgantown), but I have read the message boards and someone is about to be hung in Clemson – which is much worse than Effigy since they won’t have as far to go to find you. Go, my friend, as far and as fast as a Lincoln Town Car and the specter of a lynch mob can drive you. Godspeed.
Dear Gussie,
I give a ton of money to this university but my two pair of tickets on the 35 yard line are still apart. I can’t believe that these incompetent people could not put them together. I feel like telling them to shove it and keep my money to myself from now on.
--Ticked Off Rich Guy
Ticked Off, absolutely, go with that plan. Never attend another Clemson game again. Please contact me at sectionHrowJ@gmail.com and I will dispose of those odious 35 yard line tickets for you.
Dear Gussie,
My tickets are in the west end zone and I wanted to move to south stands or north stands, lower decks, but I ended up in those same stupid end zone seats.
--Disgruntled and Still in My Same Stupid Seats
Disgruntled, have you looked at a map? Technically Walhalla or Salem is where the Blue Ridge yawns it greatness. You could even make a case for Pickens. But Clemson is a good 20 minute drive from all these towns. Clemson is most accurately described as being in close proximity to the area where the Blue Ridge yawns its greatness -- but this would totally ruin the lyrical quality of a perfectly good alma mater. My point is this: do you think that an institution that plays fast and loose with geographical truth is going to get it 100% right with the location of your seats? I mean, they practically advertize the fact that they use fuzzy math regarding location by making you sing the alma mater every stinking game. YOU should have known. Buyer beware. So in my opinion… your west end zone seats are practically on the 50 yard line. Deal with it. Move on.
Dear Gussie,
I just called to get my season tix location. I have been a 1400 donor for 7 seasons now. Lot 10 is my reserved lot, and freaking Strom Thurmond for my second pass. I guess it'll never change.
--Big Hearted Tiger with Bad Parking
Hey Big Hearted, did you include the color of your tailgate vehicle on your application? No? Then, I blame YOU. Try to use smaller handwriting next year to fit all necessary information into that snippet of a page that the athletic department generously provided for your comments on the application.
Dear Gussie:
I was just notified that I got the ticket locations that I wanted. Is there something wrong?
--Happy the Tiger
Happy, there is nothing wrong. You are simply benefiting from the fact that Clemson may have the fewest living alumni of any “football factory” school, and alumni are the high revving engine that drives ticket sales. Clemson has around 113,000 living alumni, and Death Valley has a current seating capacity of 80,301. South Carolina has about 180,000 living alumni, which means Williams-Brice would have to hold 127,913 to have a comparable amount of demand for tickets from alumni, all other things being equal. NC State’s Carter-Finley would have to hold 111,069. Virginia Tech’s Lane Stadium would have to hold 135,019. Ohio State’s Horseshoe would have to hold 302,017 (maybe that’s the reason they now have a lottery for tickets http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/football/ncaa/07/10/ohiost.tickets.ap/). The only “football factory” school that I could find that comes close to Clemson is Miami (a private school) with 115,000 living alumni, requiring a stadium of 81,722. Miami, however, is notorious for turning out for their games like it’s Friday night high school football, even though they seemingly have won 25 national championships in a row. Happy the Tiger, give me Clemson any day; it’s a special place. You’re blessed.
Dear Gussie:
You doubled the IPTAY contribution to become a Champion Donor and you are still in the nosebleed seats!?!? Do you not realize that we have 4 children to feed? Do you not know that we hardly have two nickels to rub together? Do you not know that I didn’t even go to Clemson? I went to Columbia College, you stupid, stupid dull-wit of a man.
XOXOXO,
Wife of Gussie
Baby, you don’t know the half of it. I’ve already cancelled the Disney vacation so that I can become a Tiger Donor next year. It’s kind of like doubling down in gambling. And I did win the NCAA tournament pool two years ago, so I know about these things. There are so many disgruntled fans planning to scale back on football in 2009 that I am sure that things will work out. I mean, really, what could go wrong?
XOXOXO,
Gussie
