Matrix of Team Hate
Aug 20th 2008 - Written by: John Webb
Few things are worthy of our hate. Unfortunately all 120 Football Bowl Subdivision schools besides Clemson deserve this honor. If you dare read on, I invite you to drink deeply from the well of my dysfunction. Aside from ethnic cleansing, there is nothing worse than watching a college football game and vacillating in your rooting interest during the broadcast. Well, TigerNation, no more. I am going to teach you to prioritize your loyalties, so that you will never again be double-minded, or swayed by human interest stories delivered by Erin Andrews during timeouts. Here we go:
The Prime Directive: Always pull for the team that you hate the least.
The 10 Principles of School Hate:
1) Hate schools with winning teams. Really this should have a strong short term focus. Consider last year when South Florida was ranked number 2 and Clemson had just lost to Georgia Tech and Virginia Tech. I was overjoyed when South Florida went down the tubes and lost its next 3 games, but this year, I’m kind of pulling for the Bulls. Traditional winners will always have a quotient of baseline hate – schools like Southern Cal, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Notre Dame, etc.
2) Hate schools that get a lot of media coverage just because of their large fan bases. ESPN, how you are in love with Notre Dame, Ohio State, and Michigan -- Southern Cal, and Texas too, especially in 2005. There are seemingly only five teams that play football each year, they rotate annually, and ESPN/ABC is committed to covering them 24 hours a day. This is another reason the 2007 season was the greatest ever. Every week we got to see the look of bewilderment on the talking heads’ faces. It was as if Appalachian State had burned the script. On a related note, has there ever been a broadcast of First Take that did not lead either with the Yankees or the Red Sox?
3) Hate schools not from the south. The statistic may still be true that New Jersey is number three on the list of states that send students to Clemson (behind South Carolina and Georgia.) If so, then I’m sorry, but you will just have to accept this, and that Yankee schools get a few more hate points than west coast schools, California notwithstanding.
4) Hate schools with obnoxious fans/sense of entitlement. Maryland fan. LSU fan. Georgia fan. I’m looking at you to figure out who just threw beer on my kindergartner. Michigan fan and Ohio State fan, please remove the silver spoons from your mouths so that we can talk this over.
5) Hate schools within your recruiting footprint. Recruiting, like football, is a zero sum game. There are only so many recruits to go around, so any successful school is crowding out the Tigers. Please accommodate us by going 0-12.
6) Hate schools within your conference. This is probably the most controversial principle on the list. There are some who would argue that it’s good for both your conference and your rival to do well. Personally, I hope that none of them ever win again. FSU won two national championships in the 1990’s while losing fewer ACC games during that era than I have children. This is strongly tied to Principle of School Hate #5. You tend to compete for recruits with those in your conference. Oh well, maybe you’re right and I’m wrong. After all, joining the dominant basketball conference over 50 years ago quickly turned Clemson into the basketball juggernaut we have been for decades. Go ACC!
7) Hate schools lead by unlikable coaches. Steve Spurrier. Al Groh. Nick Saban. Rick Neuheisel. You get the picture.
8) Hate schools that are not land grant universities. All 50 states have at least one school that is a land grant university. Clemson fans subconsciously have a predilection to root for these schools. It’s why most Clemson fans like Auburn more than Alabama; Texas A&M more than Texas; and Virginia Tech more than Virginia. They’re just our kind of people.
9) Hate schools that have a “history” with Clemson. Example: UNC lobbied the ACC for an extra year of probation for Clemson than what the NCAA had mandated in the 1980’s. Example: Charley Pell went to Florida. Example: 1977 Gator Bowl – Clemson 3 Pittsburgh 34 (ouch! And we’ve never paid you back!)
10) Clemson fans will always hate Clemson the least and South Carolina the most. If this were not so then it would skew the lens through which we view the world, and we just can’t let that happen.
Alright, there you are, the Prime Directive and the 10 Principles. Now, on to the spreadsheet where we will quantify our disgust with other schools. Please keep in mind that this is a living document where the values will change over the course of the years, and even significantly within a season. Feel free to adjust the numbers to fit your own preferences, though I think you will find these ratings to be fair, the Matrix a benefit to Clemson fans and to society at large, and my logic unassailable. Tab through each conference and then view the Master List of Hate on the last tab. Determine who to pull for in a game by comparing the Hate number of each school. The team with the lowest hate number should be first in your heart. Without further lollygagging, here is The Matrix of School Hate; it will be more fun than slamming a screen door.
If you would like to comment on this column then you can email John at sectionHrowJ@gmail.com.
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